Bored of whatever you were doing before, you have opened a social media app and are aimlessly wandering through posts, memes, messages, stories, requests, comments, replies, hashtags, captions, mentions, reels, filters, and then a wild message, a random story, or a casual scroll leads you to this post by the UGAC. You think, “Ah, mental health awareness week is going on. My feed is full of that stuff. This is just another mental health post,” and you most probably are thinking of skipping it. But if the caption has captivated you enough to read this far, maybe open the post and read a few lines?
How are you right now? Like, for real. Don’t answer out loud, just evaluate it for yourself. Okay, not okay, great, bad, there’s a spectrum of answers and yours lies somewhere on it. It is the x-axis with 0 being neutral. Some of your answers would be on the +ve side, and some of yours on the -ve side. This piece caters to all of you. I am basically going to talk about my journey here, pausing in between to make some general points as well, some of which might be relatable to some of you. And even if they are not, they will give you an insight into the problems some of the people battling mental health issues face. This will help clear misconceptions and also will give you the ability to help someone in case they open up to you about their mental health problems.
My journey starts at JEE-gadh. I reach the platform named July ’15 and am impatiently waiting in the queue to buy my ticket on the train of IITs. The ticket counter’s window is not loading even after countless refreshes. Finally, when it does, I find that my seat is confirmed on train number 400076 Mumbai – Powai – IITB. I happily board the train, my coach number is Aero, seat number 3. ASC flags off the train, though after some delay because they weren’t able to find the green flag for 7 hours due to a server issue :P. The train was full of all kinds of people from all kinds of places. And the view was splendid! Sometimes the train went past a hill, and then a lake, and then a Devi Temple. The pantry I was allotted for the first leg of the journey was okay-ish, but the people with me were great! There was something or the other happening somewhere or the other at every given point in time. Something was nagging me at the back of my mind, but I let it slide and get myself busy doing some useful/useless thing with the others.
I had let it slide in the past as well. Multiple times. Why did my footsteps automatically take me to the edge of the terrace after a tiff during my drop year? I let it slide, came back to my room, and started solving more of RD Sharma. Why did I feel empty after each Chem Lab in 2nd sem? I let it slide by roaming around the campus and reaching early for the NSO. Why did I start crying midway while delivering personalized invites to seniors for some club event towards freshie year end? I let it slide, went forward with the distribution, came back to my room, and slept. (I would have increased India’s Olympic medal tally if mind-sliding was a legit sport lol). But when I was watching a movie alone on the Civil Dept terrace during freshie summers and got an urge to jump over the rails, there was nothing to slide back to. There was no work, no classes, no activities (yeah I was bunking an ITSP meet, so no activities :P), nothing available behind which I could slide this traumatic idea anymore. And I had to feel it. And so I felt it. And that was when I recognized that I have a problem.
Now when I think about it, if I wouldn’t have slid it down over and over and paused to think about it earlier in life, then maybe the problem wouldn’t have exploded. Or would have exploded in a smaller fashion than it did. Suppressing it had also required mental effort, which the mind coped from by indulging in weird coping mechanisms, which caused discomfort to people around me, pushing many of them away. Sometimes, when one feels something nagging at them, something dark or potentially troublesome, they suppress it for a later time. Most of the shows and movies show that the way to deal with sadness is drowning oneself in work, any kind of work, rather than trying to find where does the problem stems from and is there something that can be done about it.
Don’t let it slide for too long. You might be having a busy week with deadlines and stuff and might have to keep retrospection on hold for a few days, but please please take some out for it when your schedule permits. Maybe try to shift some elements of your schedule itself depending on the severity of the issue you are facing.
What next?
The issues you are facing have stemmed from a problem. This problem needs to be identified. A problem can be solved only when it is identified. And correctly identified on top of that.
Here is a small WWII story before we move further in this blog.
When the US Air Force returned from their missions in WWII, they were evaluated based on the location of bullet holes they received. The damaged areas were the wings, the tail, one of the engines, and the tail boom – everywhere apart from the cockpit and the propeller. Naturally, the U.S. Air Force wanted to reinforce these damaged areas with more armor in their upcoming aircraft, but that would mean less fuel efficiency and in war, every drop counts. While everyone was busily deliberating over it, a statistical research group asked a different question – where are the planes which were shot at both the engines, or the cockpit? None of the returned planes were shot in those locations. This could only mean that planes shot in those locations were the planes that went down. Which would mean the armors actually need to be placed on the locations where the planes which returned were not hit.
This historical incident is a prime example while explaining the survivorship bias, but we digress. The takeaway for us here is that top officials of the US Air Force couldn’t identify the key problem in their warplanes, it was a group of trained statisticians, with years of study in relevant fields, who were able to correctly identify the problem. This was simply because they knew what survivorship bias means and applied it to the study of the planes.
When we try to identify a problem with ourselves, a similar thing can happen. We might feel that we have correctly diagnosed the problem because it makes complete sense, but someone who is trained in diagnosis might tell us otherwise. This is exactly the role a counselor plays in the realm of mental health issues. But do make sure that the counselor is actually qualified :P. (We’ll talk about choosing a counselor in a subsequent episode).
Also, a counselor will not solve the problem. They will identify the problem, and provide a path to recovery and ways to cope with it while you recover, while also providing non-judgemental support to you. To do this, they’ll need to know about you, to do which they will ask you questions and you’ll have to open up to them.
How is this different from opening up to a friend or parents?
They also will suggest a path to recovery and help you through it. Well, again, it is the difference between a USAF top official and a statistician. Having said that, opening to people you trust helps a lot as well. I always think of the road to recovery as an aircraft (yeah yeah I am in aero and hence all my analogies and examples are aero related :P). The counselor fills your aircraft with the required and correct fuel, but it is you who is the pilot of the aircraft. But even the pilot requires the support of the first officer and the cabin crew to keep all operations stable. You also need support from people. People close to you, friends/family, or even strangers. Whoever you choose to trust and ask for support, and whoever agrees to do so.
Mental health issues and seeking help for them are, sadly, still taboo in society. When someone opens up about their struggles or tries to reach out, then some people make fun of them, call them attention seekers, ridicule them. Just identify these people and stay away from them. For every such person, there is another who is understanding and is approachable for mental health issues. Please open up only to people you trust and feel will respond in a positive manner.
Also keep in mind that while opening up to a friend, do not expect them to be able to provide a solution to your problem. A listening ear, a supportive hand, that is what you should expect.
How to respond to someone opening up to you in a responsible manner?
A lot of people are enthusiastic about helping people facing mental health issues. There have been numerous FB and Instagram posts saying that my door is open for a chat anytime. While the gesture is most welcome and highly encouraged, do you actually know how to respond to the situation? If you have been on the other side of it, then you might respond in a manner similar to what you think you would have wanted to hear if you opened up to someone. This sounds good in our head, but sometimes when the actual situation presents itself, we realize that this is something we weren’t really prepared for. Here are a few thumb rules on how to respond:
Be patient. Let them complete. Do not interrupt as this will make them think you are becoming impatient.
Listen. Ask them more but tell them to share only if they are comfortable, no pressure.
Each person is different. The same problem being faced by two people might lead to completely different issues in both. Do not compare and discourage them from comparing themself as well.
Reinforce their beliefs in them. Try to break their loop of negative thoughts by reminding them of their positives.
Don’t try to drive the conversation while they are opening up.
After their story is over, and your discussions are done, you can try to cheer them up. If it is an offline conversation, a walk, or going to eat something might be a good idea. If online, you might want to drive it towards happy thoughts, jokes/memes, whatever suits you.
Act normal. Do not change your style of interacting with them after the conversation.
Do not make a huge deal out of it. Make them believe that it is a perfectly normal thing to reach out and that they should do that more when things get tough.
These are just some of the main thumb rules to keep in mind. This list is by no means exhaustive.
Also, each person is different and each issue is different. One might feel that they handled it so well and were so productive as well while I am a mess. Firstly, you don’t know their entire story. Also, what you see from far is never the whole picture. Secondly, that person might have another weakness that makes them more vulnerable than that weakness makes you. Then they might be thinking the same about you when they are going through it. Hence, it is pointless and a very negative exercise to compare yourself with someone.
This post was all about opening up. What to do, how to respond, and why to seek a counselor. But what happened to me? The train was running at full speed through the damp rainforests of June’16 when I identified that there is a problem that needs to be resolved. What happened next? Stay tuned.